Bombay 405 Miles

Bombay 405 Miles (Brij, 1980)

One of the things I love so much about Bollywood is that it’s pretty much a pointless exercise to try and play “Six Degrees of Separation…” with anyone, because EVERYONE has been in movies with EVERYONE ELSE.

Case in point: Bombay 405 Miles, which not only brings together my two ALL TIME FAVOURITE STUDLY LEADING MEN (Hot Papa Khanna and Shotgun)

 How is this not THE MOST ADORABLE PAIR YOU HAVE EVER SEEN?

and my two ALL TIME FAVOURITE VILLAINOUS ACTORS WHO WERE ACTUALLY KNOWN FOR BEING LOVELY IN REAL LIFE (Pran – and seriously, is there anyone who DOESN’T enjoy Pran? –  and Weird Villainous Crush #1 Amjad Khan – seriously, if you knew what percentage of my screencaps of this film turned out to be of Amjad you would worry a little about my sanity. Or my taste. Or probably both. But SCREW YOU Judgey McJudgerson, I AM MADLY IN FILMI LOVE WITH HIM)

Bombay 405 Miles is a wildly entertaining, awesomely bromantic, definitely Desai inspired-comedy about two conmen: Kanhalya (Vinod Khanna) – an expert forger based in Delhi, and Kishen (Shatrughan Sinha) – a master lock-picker/safe-cracker based in Calcutta –  who meet, and instantly bond, at a bus-stop after the authorities force them out of their respective towns for being too good at the criminal arts.  At the same bus-stop, Kishen and Kanhalya encounter Radha (Zeenat Aman) a beautiful but infinitely devious woman who is waiting for a bus to take her the 405 miles it will take to get to Bombay, where she too can embark on a new life as a criminal genius. Kanhalya and Kishen both fall instantly for Radha’s …err…physical charms

and decide to follow her to Bombay, City of Dreams, but before too long, their blatant sexual harassment gets them thrown off the bus and they hitch a ride on a CONVENIENTLY passing freight train.

Where they rapidly encounter a bunch of violent goondas (MAC MOHAN ALERT!), engage in some train-top shenanigans, and then, having dealt to the goondas, suddenly find themselves the unlikely guardians of Munni, a little girl worth “crores” according to the swiftly (and conveniently) dying old man with her.

And from here on in, the film is just…insanely hilariously wonderful.

1. New(est) favourite jodi: Shotgun and Vinod
There’s a new bromance in town,

and THEY CAN’T KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER.

Can you really blame them?

 I can’t believe these guys aren’t in like A MILLION films together: Vinod is the more serious, matinee-idol handsome one; and Shotgun is the saucy, sassy, hilarious one with mad bedroom eyes. I love both these guys so much that, omigosh, their powers combined is like..pure joy. Among their antics in the film: Vinod Khanna is wonderfully goofy (which you hardly ever get to see, and he is SO funny!)

Sexist? Kinda. But Radha has just conned them BIG TIME. And is also MAHA annoying. 

but brings a touch of his trademark tragic hero to the role;

Vinod UPS THE MELODRAMA by DRAMATICALLY SLASHING HIS WRIST OPEN and ordering a doctor to take the blood that is leaking all over the place to perform a blood transfusion on another character. Even, he says, if the doctor needs to take ALL THE BLOOD IN HIS BODY. Good job, Tragic Vinod. Good job.

Shotgun is HILARIOUS and scrappy and sassy as usual

At this point in the film, I’m willing to bet Shotgun ACTUALLY KNOWS NO JUDO-KARATE. But awesomely, by the climax, he and Vinod transform MAGICALLY into NINJAS doing gravity defying backflips.

but also gets to be a smooth Mr Lover-Lover. Basically, Shotgun is the man.

SWOON. Check out those bedroom eyes.

2. Amjad Khan: GIVES IT THE CRAZY EYES!
 Seriously – I took more screencaps of Amjad in this film than I did of anyone or anything else. Amjad laughing.

Amjad looking menacingly astonished.

 Okay, less INSANE CRIMINAL GENIUS, more “goldfish” maybe.

Amjad BREAKING MY HEART.

 Considering he died of a massive heart attack, this was pretty ironic. Of course, seconds later he does something hideously evil. So there’s that.

But by far the best screencap is the very first one I took, which illustrates just one of the many reasons to love Amjad Khan (but you can’t have him, he’s mine): he does some wicked cool eye acting, and here we see CRAZY EYES.

Appropriate, given that Amjad’s character, Veer Singh, even more awesomely, is a DRUNK PERVERT who is not only unashamed of his drunken pervertedness, but is PROUD OF IT, claiming that anyone who doesn’t drink, gamble or molest anything that moves is a pure coward! Oh yeah, also: Veer Singh is kind of TOTALLY INSANE! This manifests in a number of subtle, insidious, but HILARIOUSLY MELODRAMATIC ways, like so:

Man, I just LOVE Amjad Khan! But look, I’m not alone. See how tenderly Kanhalya is touching his face. It’s a fine bromance, with no kisses.

I bet it was the husky voice that won HPK over too.

3. When you are at some obscure Bollywood quiz night and you get asked: “What movie totally rips off Donna Summer’s Love To Love You Baby”? by having an ‘item number’ where the lead actress pretends to HAVE SEX IN A VAN and the accompanying sleazy song is ACTUALLY all moaning and suggestive lyrics? YOU WILL TOTALLY KNOW THE ANSWER thanks to pervy Brij and Bombay 405 Miles.

4. PIT OF BURNING EMBERS!

You can’t really fault a film that has the heroes falling into a pit of burning embers. 

Even more awesome: what happens next. Insane villains, take note – please do not cut corners with materials when building your pits of burning embers. Because your prisoners will CONVENIENTLY ESCAPE. And get drunk. And drive a car right into a photography shop.

5. Speaking of: this bit cracked me up so much (small things, people, small things) because – okay, this:

Two things.

The line. We have broken his…Shop. HA!

And when Vinod Khanna gets out of the car he is still holding the steering wheel. Seriously, I have TEARS IN MY EYES. (Right about now you can probably guess at how I was a WRECK at certain points during Housefull. And how I can happily watch EVERYTHING Govinda has been in. EVERYTHING).

6. The most quotable quote…ever.

Bollywood is good for quotes, and I have some particular favourites. There’s “You son of a baaaastard!” from The Burning Train, which is getting thrashed in my flat at the moment; another one that will make my flatmate and I crack up until the end of time (and is adaptable to ANY situation, believe it or not) is “Make her legs good again” from Krrish (but you have to say it EXACTLY like Hrithik says it in the movie).

But this, this is my new favourite, for when I am feeling particularly melodramatically grumpy:

 I FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE THOUGH. I love it! I love its FACE!